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Today, I would have been in my 2nd Trimester.
13 weeks and 1 day.
It doesn't sound like a lot of time, does it? But it's the milestone so many women strive to reach because it means the risk of miscarriage declines. It's the milestone I couldn't reach no matter how badly I wanted to.
Right now, I should be starting to get a "baby bump". I should be announcing to my friends, extended family, and coworkers that I'm going to be a mommy. I should be excitedly planning for my little one. Instead, I'm sitting here knowing that he (we just knew we were having a boy) is waiting for me in heaven. It's so bittersweet.
I wonder what next time will be like?
Will I be giddy with excitement the way I was before?
Or will I be too worried every step of the way to be so blissfully excited?
I hate that the miscarriage has taken away my pregnancy innocence, my "nothing can get me down because I'm going to be a mommy!" attitude. I hate that it has made me somewhat jaded and wary of what's to come.
I see other girls, newly pregnant, excitedly picking out baby bedding and clothing and I think to myself, "Don't do it because what happens if you lose your baby??"
I really don't want to be that girl. Hopefully, she doesn't stay too long...
7 years ago
Taryn, I can relate on so many levels. The second time around I didn't jump around out of excitement and innocense like I did the first time. Instead, I called Declan at work practically in tears like, "What if this happens again". It is inevitable. You WILL proceed with caution. You now are in this (sadly, large) club of women who miscarried who only can be fully understood by other women who have gone through it. Trust me, people around me were finding out they were pregnant and sharing it at 4 weeks or whatever with people, and I was sitting there biting my tongue like, "DONT DO IT!"...because now, and always, probably--we will wait until we at least have our first ultrasound/heard a heartbeat...or something. We did that with Emeline. I was worried for the first 16+ weeks. Unfortunately, having my head in the toilet was somewhat reassuring to me. Until you can FEEL THAT BABY MOVE..it will always feel a little uneasy. It's okay. I understand. Others do too. I still whince a little when someone announces their pregnancy early...although i was that girl the first time. I totally get it.
ReplyDeleteI've got news for you...that never fades. You can't get that innocence back. Even when I was pregnant with Parker, I was still terrified. I hated telling people b/c that fear is forever ingrained into my heart. I didn't even order his furniture until I was about 30w. I just couldn't and he was my second. Just remember that statistics ARE on your side during pregnancy. I really hate that you joined the "miscarriage club" and I'm sad that you have to have the feelings that you do but just remember they are normal. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteOh, girl, I know. I'm so bad I'm like that every month now. I'm all "Don't even hope. Just assume you're not. It didn't work. It's too hard. It probably hasn't happened. It's such a long shot anyways. What if it never happens? You can't go on pretending it's always a possibility."
ReplyDeleteI hate that I'm jaded like that, too.
(here via the nest ~ WhiteysWifey)
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for your loss. I don't think the pain ever goes away, just becomes more manageable, and yes, a part of your innocence has been lost. You've just got to keep pushing on and having faith that someday you will hold a beautiful, healthy take-home baby!