It's a bittersweet kind of day

Today, I would have been in my 2nd Trimester.

13 weeks and 1 day.

It doesn't sound like a lot of time, does it? But it's the milestone so many women strive to reach because it means the risk of miscarriage declines. It's the milestone I couldn't reach no matter how badly I wanted to.

Right now, I should be starting to get a "baby bump". I should be announcing to my friends, extended family, and coworkers that I'm going to be a mommy. I should be excitedly planning for my little one. Instead, I'm sitting here knowing that he (we just knew we were having a boy) is waiting for me in heaven. It's so bittersweet.

I wonder what next time will be like?
Will I be giddy with excitement the way I was before?
Or will I be too worried every step of the way to be so blissfully excited?

I hate that the miscarriage has taken away my pregnancy innocence, my "nothing can get me down because I'm going to be a mommy!" attitude. I hate that it has made me somewhat jaded and wary of what's to come.

I see other girls, newly pregnant, excitedly picking out baby bedding and clothing and I think to myself, "Don't do it because what happens if you lose your baby??"

I really don't want to be that girl. Hopefully, she doesn't stay too long...

Beautiful Song

I wanted to share this video with all of you. It touches my heart in so many ways...especially now.

Some day, I will be a mommmy.

Warning: Be sure to have tissues ready before you watch the video.

Seriously. I'm not kidding. Get the tissues...and if you choose not to listen to my warning, don't come crying (literally) to me. Hehe...



The story behind the song:

I knew it was happening to me…but I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t want to believe it. I went to my writing session with my producer, Wayne Kirkpatrick, anyway. When I got there, it got worse. I was really cramping and bleeding now. I looked at him with tears in my eyes and said, “I think something bad is happening.”

He was looking at his computer trying to bring up some sounds for a song we were working on…"Huh?” he said and looked up as he asked, “What’s wrong?”

I heard myself say the words, “I think I’m having a miscarriage.” He stood up and hugged me. He was very comforting but I said, “I have to call my husband, Geoff [Koch], I have to go home.”

I wondered if I had worked out too hard. Maybe I ate something bad. Why was this happening to me?Was I too stressed out? Did I wait too long to have a baby? I was getting hysterical. Maybe it will stop and the baby will be alright.

Geoff answered the phone, “Hello?”
“It’s getting worse,” I blurted out, sobbing.
“Where are you?” he asked.
“I’m driving.”
“I want you to calm down. Do you need to pull over?"
“No. I just want to get home and lay down.”
“You are closer to the doctor’s office. Can you drive yourself there? I will meet you. You have to calm down first, though. It’s going to be alright.”

Geoff has this way of making me feel like it’s gonna be okay.He is a rock.

Kellie and her husband, Geoff, had decided to wait to have a family while Kellie’s career took off.

My career was all encompassing. It was like stepping onto a moving train. I was working so hard. I was so focused. There were two things that I wanted in life more than anything. One was to be a singer and the other was to be a mom. I kept telling myself (and my husband), we’ll get pregnant after I can get established in the business, after this next single, once my second album hits retail…after I get a hold of this thing.

Like most women I wanted to have it all: a great marriage, fulfilling career and be a hands-on Mom. The reality is there is a price for everything. I knew there was discrimination involving female artists getting pregnant in the recording industry. It was looked upon as a lack of commitment.You’ll lose your edge. You’ll get fat and have to take a break from touring and promoting your records.

My record label executives never directly said that I would be putting my career at risk by getting pregnant. However, the rampant negative comments about other female singers that were having babies made their position clear: You’ll seriously damage your career.

So I put it off. I didn’t start my family when I wanted to…I kept working. I was touring with some of the biggest names in country music and hearing my songs on the radio but something was missing…children. I looked up and I was 32.

At that point, the songstress knew that she had a decision to make – her career or a family.

So,I had a choice to make and for me there really was no choice. As a newer, non-established artist I knew what I was risking but I knew what I wanted. Because I was so excited, I let it slip out at a business dinner with my manager that my husband and I had been trying to get pregnant.

Within a month, my manager was gone and so was my record label. I was surprised at the speed with which I found myself on the outside.

While I tried to pick up the pieces of my career, I turned most of my attention to preparing myself for motherhood, at least the getting pregnant part. I read everything there was to read. Mostly, I worried that somehow it wasn’t going to happen for me, that I had waited too long and I wouldn’t be able to conceive. It wasn’t rational but it was a real fear.

After a year of trying, it all poured out in a song writing session. I laid my soul bare with my co-writers. Within a couple of hours we had written, “I Would Die For That.” I wasn’t sure I could ever sing it in public because it made me cry every time I just read the lyrics.

The amazing thing was that I found out I was pregnant within a few days after writing the song. My husband and I started dreaming about a child. Was it a girl or a boy? What would we name him or her? I was walking on a cloud. I poured myself back in to my songwriting with a vengeance. I could have it all and it was full speed ahead. Then came the worst day of my life.

Sobbing while I drove myself to my doctor’s office, I kept saying out loud, “No. This can’t be happening to me. I already love this baby.” Within a few days, we left for Oklahoma to spend Thanksgiving with my family, where I had planned to tell them all I was pregnant. At least I was surrounded by my family that weekend.

Kellie and her husband decided to try again and she was soon expecting.

My doctor assured me that nothing I did caused my miscarriage. Still, I decided not to try to be superwoman during this pregnancy. I slowed down. Having this baby was the most important thing in my life. “I Would Die For That.” Not only did I not want to do anything to put the pregnancy at risk, I wanted to enjoy it.

A few months into my pregnancy, I started writing and recording again and it felt different. The songs came from a deeper place. It was as if I was being reborn as an artist and as a person as my baby grew inside me. Most of the final vocals and many of the songs on my album Walk On were written and recorded while I was pregnant.

In November 2005, I gave birth to my son. The lyrics of the song, “I Would Die For That” still echo and feel real each time I sing the song. Now when I sing it, it’s filled less with a haunting personal desperation and more with a complete understanding and empathy for the women who are still on that journey and have endured far more pain than I have.

While I am still an artist and still pursuing my career, I now know that there is nothing more precious to me than my son and I was right — I would die for that.

Gee, thanks

As if I wasn't already sad enough about losing my baby, eBay had to go ahead and make some "recommendations" for me when I logged into my account...

Sigh. Thanks, eBay.

THANK YOU

I just wanted to say thank you for the outpouring of support and encouraging words over the past week. I can't ever thank you enough for taking the time to say a prayer for me, Mr Jones, and our forever baby. I wish I could reach out hug each and every one of you.

There are a few ladies that deserve a special shout out. Their messages brought tears to my eyes and gave me hope in a time that seemed so hopeless...

Julie - You are the kind of mother I hope to be some day. Conner and Parker are two very lucky boys. I am so blessed to know you. Thank you for telling me it's going to be ok.

Katie - I am so incredibly happy I found you (or did you find me?). Either way, you are my inspiration. I can only hope to be blessed with a sweet baby like Emeline some day! Thank you for following me on my journey and for offering support.

Brittany - Your comment on my miscarriage post touched my heart in so many ways. I can't even begin to tell you how much your words meant to me. Thank you for loving me and supporting me. You are such an amazing woman.

Shan - My mirror twin. I know life has caused us not to talk as much as we once did, but please know I am always here for you like you are always there for me. Miss KP is going to be one spoiled little princess...and you will be a wonderful mom! Thank you for being my friend.

Update on me - 7/10

It's been just over a week since we said goodbye to our sweet baby. I’m generally coping well. I can keep my emotions under control; I don't break down at work. Sure, I have "moments" (like on the way home from work the other day), but that's to be expected.

The worst part (for me) is having to talk about it, to explain to people that no, I'm not pregnant anymore; I lost my baby. As soon as those words are out of my mouth, I can see the pity, the sympathy, and the fact that they have no idea what to say to me. The truth is, I don't want them to say anything to me. I don't want to see the pity. I don't want to hear the cliché sympathies - These things happen for a reason. This is God's way of weeding out the sick/unhealthy babies. The list goes on and on. Don't get me wrong, I know all things happen for a reason, but hearing people say it sure doesn't make the loss any easier to deal with.

The worst was the ER doctor at the first hospital (6/22). He told me, "If you do miscarry, it's your body's way of saying something was wrong with the baby. Maybe it would have been covered in hair with a tooth sticking out the side of its head." Seriously. Who says that to a woman who might miscarry her baby?!? Telling me that my baby could be a deformed insult to evolution that is better off dead is not helpful or comforting. It's just plain mean!

When one door closes, another one opens

Sorry for not posting a lot lately...the last week and a half has been somewhat of a roller coaster. Please forgive my format. It's just the easiest way to write it all out for me.

6/22: Experienced a lot of back cramps and some pink spotting. Decided that I wasn't going to take any chances so Mr Jones and I headed to the ER. After 9 hours (4.5 spent in the waiting room alone!), some blood work, and an ultrasound, I learned...I was pregnant! Wow. It sure took some major doctor skills to figure that one out, huh? Needless to say, we were annoyed. The ultrasound dated me at 5w3d. A bit of an eyebrow raise on my part because, according to calculations, I should have been 6w1d.

6/24: Appointment with my OB. She asked if I had gotten the results of my blood work from the hospital and I told her they didn't run any tests on it that I knew of. She was NOT happy. She ordered more blood work (to check my hCG beta levels) and scheduled a follow up ultrasound for 6/28.

6/25: Heard from OB re: my blood work. Thankfully, the hospital still had my blood sample in the lab so she was able to get results from them as well. Betas on 6/22 were 5249. Betas on 6/24 were 6604. They're going up...thank goodness!

6/28: Ultrasound showed a teensy little baby with a faint heartbeat. Mr Jones was completely enthralled and stared at the monitor. I thought he was going to lean so far forward, he'd fall off his seat! At this point, I was measuring 6w0d (ummm...falling even further behind...a bit worried). Met with my OB and she said it was a positive sign that we were able to see the baby and heartbeat. She noted, however, that my progesterone levels were lower than they should be. They need to be at least 10...I think mine were a little over 5. At this point, I knew something was wrong...and started preparing myself mentally for the worst.

7/2: My fears were proven to be true. I lost my baby. Mr Jones and I made another trip to the ER (a different and BETTER one this time). Blood work and ultrasound confirmed that everything was progressing as necessary.

With that being said, I am at peace with what happened. Please, I don't want to hear "I'm sorry" because I know everyone is sorry and so am I, but it's ok. Honest.

Instead of being sorry, please take the time to send positive energy, to celebrate life with me, to say a prayer that I will some day have my "forever" baby. Because I know I will...it's just a matter of time.